Who knows how many of you will actually read this…
TRUTH:
I am scared of my sexuality.
I have a feeling that I said that statement wrong, so I’m going to try to explain what I mean.
I think I was in denial for a while. I mean, I remember developing a crush on this one girl, not gonna name her, while I was crushing on Anthony Stephens back in 7th grade! But I knew it was wrong for me to feel this way so I shook it from my thoughts and never saw her again actually after the band trip up to San Francisco that year. But anyways, I was fine for the rest of 7th grade and all of 8th and half of freshman year. But then I think I was just fed up with the hiding I suppose and just admitted to myself something that I’ve known.
I don’t know where I’m heading with this right now, but like… I am fine telling my friends that I’m bi-sexual (I really do hate that word) and I’m totally open to them about it. But then there’s something else when it comes to people I’m only acquaintances with. It seems to retarded for me to feel this way because I am not ashamed of who I am at all. If anything, I am proud of myself. It’s just sometimes, I wish I could stop feeling the way I do and just be “normal”. But I can’t. I hate being different from society sometimes. I try not to care about what people think, but it’s so hard to ignore. I want to be able to be as obvious as some people when it comes to their orientation, but I don’t know if I could stand the looks and jeers I’d get. And I feel so weak for that.
The reason I mention it…
This week, the frats and sororities were try to get recruits or whatever to go rush. They had set up booths set up along the major walkway of State the past couple days. I saw the gay sorority there, GRL. I could spot the rainbow flag from far away. Normally, I could just walk right past the other booths and stuff, but not that one. I knew people at that booth and I couldn’t just walk past it. I feel like such a coward for purposely avoiding that walkway just for that reason. What is wrong with me? Why am I so uncomfortable with letting complete strangers know about my sexual orientation?
I HATE IT.
I want to just be free and not care about all these unimportant people, but I can’t. I hope that in the upcoming time, I learn to be more comfortable and open about who I am and not care about all the unimportant strangers around me.
This post really had no purpose.
/rant
P.S. SURPRISE! For all of you who didn’t already know. Ahahaha
